Sunshine bathed my body, but how I wished my soul would be warmed, too
Humans' inventions passed me by as though I'm invincible and don't matter
I'm bewitched, bothered and bewildered about everything and nothing
Future's getting shorter, but I'm trapped at sea
I tried to crook the side of my mouth, but it felt so weird
I tried to avail myself to the opportunity of learning the world
but I couldn't see pass my tears
God, oh God
won't You please strengthen my heart
Are You even there ?

been eating and online shopping because those are the only things Im good at

Because sometimes the most wonderful God's creature is always there, but you're too busy looking for other temporary things. For that, God punished me.

I could have think first before I talked
I could have studied some stupid mind-blowing words
I could have come for two intensive classes before the 28th/05 paper
I could have not say " bisa "
I could have say something more than just stating the fucking obvious
I could have ... fucking.. say something better and relevant
Fuck Malay, I'm screwed big time. I shall walk away from A1 seat before I build my hopes too high and too strong. It's not easy to get one, I'm sorry gobbit, I am. You are good, and you deserve every guy that soul been raped by your existence. I'm sorry sir, for stepping on your trust and respect, for thinking that I could nail it on my own , and for hating you. I'm sorry old folks, I never meant to let you down.

My ideas're shred. My eyes could have sworn that I was not living the kind of life I should be. The taste of tea on the bridge of my tongue can't fire the anxiety and regret away. Time is the witness of my stupidity and arrogance. I'm fucked. I just hope the tears would flow. Holding these and my heart ache hurts so much. It's not emo-ic, it's looking at your own life , only to find that you are such a sore loser.

happy birthday daddy. and Im sorry, again.

Song of the moment is teenager by chemical romance :)

School has been unbelievably boring. No, not the people, but the lessons. I could hardly pay attention during maths lessons , & that also applies even if Hailey's concentrating on the what's on the white board. The only lesson I set my eyes on is merely Malay & no, not because I love the subject, but because , well, It's Mr B. Talkong about it, to my delight or horror, I'm going to have my malay oral tomorrow ! shite. Even hearing malay again is so weird & beyond my ken.

Bro's left the country. Yes, I miss him , eventhough knowing that he'll be back by the fifth. haha. OH ! wewe will be coming to Singapore for a holiday ! yay ! should I go with him ? I'm shy, really. But God, I'm still so excited . hehe. I just hope I could meet eno one of those days, which probably would be december *crossing fingers.

I always think that people who think that their life suck big time are shallow people. They don't know what suckish life do. They get food on the table served with consideration for the nutrition, they don't have to work to get money to buy essential needs for survival, & for God's sake, they're having a proper education. If you think your life sucks, seriously, you should book a ticket and fly to Indonesia. Kids of younger age than mine don't go to school, they sing in front of malls, from house to house, on the street. & they don't do that to get a handphone , or nice clothes and what not, but goddamnit, for survival. To help their parents who may happen to have 4 more other kids . As one said " if someone made you angry, it's your choice to get fucked or stop caring ". Get a life, people, get one.

Anyway, I've been online-shopping again. This time is taiwan stores :). the gojane spree has yet to show up. bleah. pray for me for tomorrow eh.

maybe they will leave you alone

note to self :
1. never ever drink merely mineral water for the whole day.
2. never ever eat before important lesson /lessons without hailey / exams
3. Dont online-shop before exams !

Let's learn to sew sew
dah
love my mummy mummy

Dear God,

Today's the first day of school. I woke up at the crack of dawn because my mind wouldn't rest even though my eyes were. You should know why, you are the God, God. I'm still taking a piss that the seller didn't wanna wait for me ( even though she said she did the same to the rest, which I swear it's so not true ) when I saw the jumper I've really been wanting all along. I hope you will punish her for that. Don't show mercy. We had PE today. and God, I've gained weight like crazy. You must know why, too. This is your body that I'm using. The problem is I don't feel like I had, at all. this is weird , God. please do somthing about it and give me some motivation to hit the gym and books. All in all, it's oretty much a fun day. Thank god . :)

morale of the lesson : No one waits for you. " When Jesus asked if He could be excused from crucification, did they let Him ? noooooo ". The world would not stop going around even the worst has happened to you. Not even when you are 10times hotter than Eminem, or you look way decent than anyone in the world, and God, not even, when you've done every thing a human should do. It's fairer this way, yes ? then again, disappointment would eat you up. As one said , trust could kill.

School is like starting in 1, 2 hours ! and I've been up since dawn . Only to find out the bloody bitch closed the spree without even taking in my orders. I could have sworn I hate you , already, bitch . I'll just have to wait for some good soul to hold another gojane spree, so I could get my jumper & I promise, the next time I see it again, I'll just dash to POSB office, well, provided it's not 5PM yet.

Can you believe ? this holiday didn't feel like holiday , at all. I thought this would be a fun one, you know. Family, Great singapore sale. But naw, it's not even near that. GSS is so disappointing. I mean, well, maybe it's just not the time yet. July , maybe. argh. now it's back to school. God. Hope today would be fun. & ah , my skirt is way tighter ! crap crap crap

later every one

You know, it's always good to be shameless . In a positive way and a right place and time, alright. As shameless as I could be, I know my fucking limit. Where's your pride and dignity, man ? I'll feel so timid when I exploit people's property and use it to my disposal, without even showing a sign of thank-you , not even an awareness of being repulsive. When one is too oblivious, something has got to be wrong, damn it. Screw you.

Stop calling and just come, won't you ? I don't need that. I don't need your sorries or explanation. If your apologies could be turned to money, I'll be filthy rich by now. Just come. I miss you, see.

" I have too many friends to be stucked with one "
" It's not racism, though, sir, it's race-related "

I swear, I will pray that your butt will grow bigger , so big that you won't even need to go toilet to poo, that you wil grow sooooooooooooooooooooooooo fat that You could put your fats in your goddamned pocket. Hence, don't ever touch what's mine.

Because I like to be a pussy and keep it all to myself bitches.

So a birthday really set me thinking. Time flies & without your knowledge, I might just be sitting at new york with my birthday cake and two candles symbolize 16 burning away. the next time you say Hi to me. So really, what have I achieved for the past 15 years and something ? Nothing that I should really be proud of.

I wonder what 15 year olds should do and know. well, everyone has their own definition of living their life , don't they. Here is mine, before I turn sixteen;

. I have no right to skip church, not now at least, when I'm only 15. If I skip now, what would I do for the next say , 50 years ? Keep on making excuses for not going to church for me, or God? Brother said the point of going to church is to get the body of Christ. It's nothing like " just to pray " or " just to let people know you're one ". so there. I will TRY to go there weekly . Yes. what's an hour with strangers who have the same beliefs, if I could wipe out hours at Hailey's house without having to feel at all tortured ?

. They say, the older you get, the less chance you have to grow physically. I've been wasting at least, fourteen years of my goddamned life skipping PE lessons, or not wanting to sweat. Look what I've become. Short, fat, flabby and so-not-healthy compared to my average. Swimming pool is just below and I have gym. Let's not be a fool and get wasted any longer.

. You know , the difference between me and my brother ? I still have the privilege to get all screwed up over examinations. I promise I will give my all at O level so I could be like one of those people who go uni, and to attain that, I shall start from now. after this

I'm just saying. I might do, or not. you can't blame me. I'm just a 15-year-old, after all.
I shall get away from world as far as I could for a while

I think I've mentally, emotionally grown a little. Yes, you guys probably will roll your eyes but well, I really do think so. What made me say things that probably make you guys chuckles by now is the afct that I went down to swim alone, just now. Yes yes, I know, it's not much of a big deal. But I wouldn't do that, no, if I still have that perspective of if I was seen doing things alone, I'll look like I have no friends to hang out with. So it's big a deal for me, as big as when I almost passed my POA test last june. Thank you.

&&, I've just read papers. Two poly grads got accepted to , said , " one of the most difficult course to get inj - medical at NUS ". They were qualified to go JC with ten points but they said going to JC means " having to takeotehr subjects ". And ahkong is one of 32 poly students who got into uni. Now , that's bonga :D

I'll swim my heart out, again
Just to eradicate the passing feeling
Just to sweep you out of my mind
eight small rounds
and you'll be dead by then

my prata pants !! grrrrrrrrr. should not have bought those, because well it's rtue ! it looks like those you wear to prata houses. grrr. ah nevermind.

anyway, is it just me , or schooling at homeland seems to be more appealing than this ? Yes, maybe I would trade 'em. I mean, I don't know why. Maybe the thought of driving around the town in your boyfriend's car is way nicer than being fetched from your house and walk to the nearest mrt station or bus stop. Or, maybe just the very thought of doing things together, know. In school, in everywhere. And schools there, well, maybe not as good as any in here, but hell, it looks fun and bonded. Shit. this is too much to be handled for 5:39 AM on dilah's birthday's day.Okay, holiday fling is a must. I'm loking for one, already, now :D. A filthy rich, handsome one, toodles.

I could give all the love in the world if you are here

If I ever have to keep my house stay clean, I would not have enough time to do anything else. It's getting irritating really. Jesus.

Okay. study study study

It's raining man, hallelujah

we can not sleep. It really doesn't matter, really doesn't matter at allllll. Because I'm so young , now

:D . last post for today, I promise. :). nights yoll.

20th JANUARY 2004

On 16th January 2004, we had our morning run in the morning. I woke up later that day. We must run once around the school, but Sceondary One's students must run twice, what a pity ! When I want to buy some drinks, I realised that had not done my geography homework. I rushed to my class, took my book and studied my Geogaphy downstairs. I didn't have much time to buy any drink or food again.After school had ended, I went to the bus stop and there were many people who took the same bus with me. In the bus, I couldn't sit because the bus was packed with passengers. The weather was very warm, my stomach was empty so I ran to my house to eat. What a tiring day !

it's always good to rummage through old things.

and fold clothes. I know that my bro wears S . yes

plan for today :
1. study SS ( ALL )
2. fold those clothes
3. closet

I know, productive day . Oh james has two children , already, his girlfriend gave birth to the second one like what, yesterday ?No wonder he couldn't give his best. he's tired, damn it. But eventhough so, His not-the-best is already WUOW ! okay.I'm making no sense. it'sjust, he's not married and got two children already. that's..... huge.

Oh yeah. I gotta turn off the phone, so homephone it is. haha. as though many people sms me.
flu !
;later

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW ! yes okay, spurs won . Big deal , alright, whatev ! James still the man , okay, He still is. Come one, who's so great to ever go through 5 damned spurs at once ? None other James lebron. Problem's just his teammates suck okay. How could they messed up , when lebron already broke the barriers ?!? Ah people, you guys are unbelievably clumsy. Arghhhhhh, I can't believe they didn't win any out of FOUR games ! D said that maybe I should just change to the opponent, I was considering it. but naww. parker looks like mr bean and Duncan is a not-cute old hag. Next year. You shall win, cleveland, you got my faith , always james, always :)

Okay. I planned to clean just my room, but ended up cleaning the whole house. crap. I'm turning to someone who clean when depression attacks. Okay, but It's a huge matter I could sleep with that amount of dust around. ohwell.

plan for today :
1. study SS ( ALL )
2. fold those clothes
3. closet.

Thank you :)

James said He could not raise the game by himself
well, I THINK NOT, he could james, you could ! yay
SA 19 CLE 16 , currently

you look slamming in that vest :D
;later

Okay, let's talk about the third final yesterday. Huge disappointment, yes, but It makes sense, really. I mean, come on, let's just all get real and come back down to earth aight'.

Spurs is like depressingly good. ALL OF THEM


say this man, Tim Duncan, He's soooooo freaking old that he should just retire and shake legs at home watching younger generations wipe this thing up, like Kobe. and those eyes, God, would you stop already ? it freaks people out when you stare at 'em. okay , maybe that's the whole intention , but it's so not cute alright, not cute

Let me be a traitor for a while.

http://jugofshite.livejournal.com

Things to not to self before practical :
wear googles and know which one is vertical and horizontal
I've screwed it . but still, I'm happy ! how could I not. we watched dvds at hailey's and to PS after that ! that's like yaaaaaaaaaaayness ! :)

so yesterday was a BLAST ! The heat wasn't that intense but well, they're still tanned lines. and and and, I played volley ball with D ! MY FIRST ! tee-hee. Though my hand's now swollen, sport's still fun after all :D . Some people had their very first bikini-day ! hee-hee. I went home with s smile and long fringes , yay !

I couldn't sleep at night, and it just bammed to me that maybe I should cut my fringe, you know like a holiday thing and all -, It took me 30 mins to meet my guts and cut it straight. Well, since I cut it by myself, it's not pretty much straight, but still, it's above my eyes :D.

Today is a bonding day with the house . I have to tidy up my closet and study later on. well, that all after my bro's back with food from church ! Mummy called. she said she's coming over around 20 above because small sis has to take her results first. Disappointed, yes. It'sokay lah, the point is they are coming ! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY !

Can't wait for daddy's birthday
can't wait for sexy-dilah's birthday
can't wait for my sis' arrival !

later people

I've acquired something in my life ; There's no complete resolution in love stories

Well, yes, maybe there is in somewhere over the rainbow, but here in real life, no , there isn't. Well,at least, at the tender age of 15++, I think that's too much of a cliche. Every one's saying about happy ending, but they will just end up wetting their pillow or making some sappy love songs. The reasons ? Because there are so many bitches and jerks out there. It's a cold cruel world. If you ain't got the requirements, you might as well end your life now.

I'm just being real, yo. Your suitor might just be the bitch or the jerk. Well, you can't really blame anyone. Because it's just what they do. It's like as though those rotten humans will decompose if they don't start interefering in people's lives. Yes, no matter how strong you say your bond is, there's always once when you will be caught off guard or when you'll let your guard down, and BANG , your feelings towards your gf/bf wouldn't even occupy a space in your mind no more. They say love is blind. No it's not. It's just you who are stupid enough to let in .

And, if you think that the problem is with him, her or even you, you are so wrong. The problem is this is just not the perfect world. You're bound to get hurt or hurt someone unintentionally. When you say yes, you do it at your own peril. You're saying yes to heartbreak, tears, joy and the like.

Way to prevent it ? Just don't say yes.

Thank you.

It's 12:52 AM now. I don't know what I'm doing. I've been reading literature since 10, well 9, just I had an hour break.

I just realised that the world does not revolve around me . People do have their own things to take care of. Like say, today's Amaths extra lesson. Only ten people came for it. I thought it was disheartening , and at the same time, I , of course, could cash in something out of that. If I was to put myself in my teacher's shoes, I'll think I'm such a lousy asshole who's just wasting his time in this Godforsaken place with no one as a suitor, not even a wife let alone my students whom I'm supposed to be close with. Then again, if I put myself in my mates' shoes, I'll think like it'll just be a waste of time besides we are all wiped out and since we didn't want to go in the first place might as well not go at all or else every one's mood will be ruined.

Or maybe, Friendster. You ne'er know how lethal it is, don't you ? It was enough for me to eat my heart out and get all sensitive and emotional before you could even say Jack Robinson. It's now has become more than just a thing to bridge the communication gap between you and your friends. " Ow, look how many people viewed me " , " Ow , look he put me up on his featured friends " . Some people even branded loser for not having enough comments. Some fuckheads don't even know the difference between adding and being added and some pedophiles who love to freak people out by asking some wacky questions just because they can get through our inbox. I could get all bothered, bewitched and bewildered last year just by seeing toot-toot's profile.

See ? Even small little things you do , it casts great impacts on other people . Well,morale of the story ? Watch what you're gonna do and say. You may just gain happiness and satisfaction at the expense of someone's being suicidal because he or she feels unwanted. Yes, I know I sounded so much of a hypocrite who has no life or maybe this is my life - to critisize people -. You can't blame me, really, blame literature for being all so all-knowing or omniscient. But me no buts. Its already 230. Im tired

I just typed this. I didn't think about the style , tone and the like. Another time, maybe.
later.

Happpy Birthday Dionneee ! :D

So yes. mm. Let's talk.

We watched grease, history boys and akeelah . I swear , I swear and swear and swear those movies are tight ! The one I like the most ? GREASE ! tee-hee. and I like the literature feel in history boys. Weeeeeee :D. Now I want to know how my dad and mom live during their times.

Today. well nothing much. had a seriously bad tummyache yesterday. Well, thank God it's gone now. Okay people. toodles.

Oh. I want a boyfriend like John travolta or wussat kuzo ? or even one of those smart ass in history boys, or even , one of those blacks in akeelah ! Okay. Whatevr. It's just a phase, It'll pass. :D

Ah ! Thank God they ever came up with Green Tea. If there aint no green tea, I'll probably be trashing around the house because I'm broke and fat.

" I <3 NY ", please reply. die die, I want ! It's depressing , really. How I could not prevent myself from shopping. Whatever lah.

;later

You guys should really see this,. One part of the road is being bathed by the sunshine, and another by clouds. Damn, see guys ? Your country's weather is this HUGE-ly weird. Then again, I never could find the perfect outfit for summer. I mean, I can't possibly be wearing dresses throughout, besides I only have like 7 dresses. I'll die !

S&S is the best ! Where else in Singapore can you find slamming branded clothes for les than $10? even $3 ! This track pants I'm wearing it's $5 ! I even found my sweatshirt ! well hurge ( HUGE & LARGE ), but I'll think about how to pull it off some days later. The best part of the outing? I get to spend the day with my beloved inseparable hillarious fun-loving gorgeously- hot guuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrlfriends ! Weeeeeeeeeeeee. I'm a happy kid :). Alright. I'll take a break today and yesterday, just those, I promise.

Hey, I don't like the girl, man. ditch it.

Okay. Here is a motivation-al post .

I have to study hard and put my best and get the best O points I could get, because :
1. I would not want to disappoint my parents
2. I've been putting effort & those are as good as going to shit's collection place if I slack
3. I have brain
4. I've bought way more clothes than one should has
5. I would love to have a hot, cleverer boyfriend. Not some air-heads
6. I need ,at least, a poly which would want to recruit and nurture me
7. I need something to support my heavy nose-stud
8. I don't want to look back and regret

Thank You. No, I'll figure out what's next.